Don't Drink The Milk...

Part II

She was on the street corner, staring at the landscape of a place she used to know.  But, it all looked so different, now.  And the hustle of the people closed in on all sides.  Which part of this moment is different, she thought; me or them?  And she continued to stare at everything moving fast around her while she just stood still…in one place.

Never in her life, in a city she knew so well, did she ever feel this lost….

The light turned green, and everyone crossed the street, except her.  She no longer knew where she was going.

When things go wrong in your life, or when things don’t quite go the way you want, you have a tendency to gravitate to the place and the people you found comfort in before.

Here’s the lesson in that:  Never Go Back!

I learned that lesson a long time ago, right after college.  But, apparently, I forgot and made that mistake again.

The thing about going back is that you are subconsciously searching for:

relief,

validation,

a sense of belonging. 

And, you go back because you feel lost. 

 Unfortunately, by going back, it only makes you feel - more lost.

                        —                  —                    —

So, as I stood on the street corner, I became painfully conscious of the fact that Everyone important to me has passed me by to live their lives.

…..And I didn’t see them go.

There was a time we were all in the same predicament, living in our own bubbles of uncertainty and indecision.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone in this. 

 Now, it seems, I am the last one standing.…alone.

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She was staring at the DJ, and moving to the deafening beat beat beating.  She closed her eyes to enjoy the music.  And then, a voice whispered in her ear.  She could hear the question clearly, as if there was no music playing at all - ”Why are you here, and who are these people to you?”  That is when she grabbed her bag and didn’t say goodbye…..

In all my years, I never had the desire to get married or have kids.  I was too selfish about my life and career to want kids, and I was too set in my own routine to want to get married.  It was never a part of my grand master plan, and I was fine with that

for a very long time……

As it turns out, in my constant search for meaning in my life, I have since discovered that it’s not my career that would fulfill me, it’s not financial security, it’s not living in a city full of culture and activity, it’s not the freedom to travel. 

So, what is it, then?  Love?  Could it really be that simple? 

It became quite evident to me:

When there is love in your life, you’re never alone.  But when you GO it alone….then you REMAIN alone.

And so, as I see more and more of my friends getting engaged….being married….having kids, I am overcome with the sadness that, maybe I’ve missed out.  All the things that I believed to be burdens, my friends seem to be going through, quite happily.  All the things I thought I had no desire for, I suddenly wish was in my life. 

It took me longer than everyone else to get here….way longer.  But, now that I’m here, I feel like I’m in a foreign land.

I don’t know this place.  I missed my exit.  I took the wrong road map. I am in a completely different country and I don’t know the language. 

Paralysis….….

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1/11/11

 

…Letting the days go by…letting the water hold me down.

Part I

What happens when - in this life you have been living - you realize you’ve been going at it wrong, all along? 

You can’t go back and re-do.  You can’t go back and change your mind.  You are stuck in it, right Now, swimming in a wave of wrong decisions.  It’s not like you simply made a bad choice, such as picking margarine over butter.  It’s a lifestyle, the conviction behind the lifestyle, and the reason behind that.  Oh, that is not a “margarine vs butter” scenario.  No, that is more like…“A meteor fell to earth and created the Grand Canyon”.

The details don’t matter.  What matters is that within a series of seemingly unrelated events, I have come to discover that:

The life I always wanted is NOT the life I wanted at all. 

That’s quite big…and irreversible.    It’s as if I drove across the U.S. from the East Coast to the West Coast, and realized that when I got to California, I actually meant to be in Scotland.  Sure, one can say, “Well, then get on a plane and go to Scotland”.  But, I already spent all this time and energy to get to California, right?  So, I am compelled to find a way to stay and just make the best of things.

There, in lies the dilemma:  Not meaning to be in the place where I am, but choosing to stay because…Oh Well…there I am.

And, even if I did get on a plane and fly to Scotland, who is to say that when I get there, I won’t realize I wanted to be in Egypt?

This, is my perpetual state of uncertainty.

——————————

(To be continued)…

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1/5/11

My mother woke up while I was watching a movie, and she mumbled in her half-sleep voice.

____________________

“I just had a dream that your father wanted to come back to me, but I stood in the doorway and wouldn’t let him in.  Isn’t that funny?”

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Sometimes, I wonder if we really grow up to become our parents.  If so, I’d love to know which of my parents gave me the jangled intimacy issues, and which gave me the stunted ability to show emotion? 

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time, lately, looking at the many creative ways I keep romantic interests at a safe distance away from me.  It’s certainly Not because I want to, but rather it’s ingrained and I can’t “Out” grain it.  Oh, I know…..How on earth could people who make your heart skip, be unwelcomed?  How on earth could palm sweat from the simple sight of someone be unbearable?  How on earth could the mere possibility of letting someone into your life be…a threat?  And yet, I - Elena Gravelle - have made it into an art form.  I amaze myself, sometimes, because I’m so skilled at it.  So, who do I get to blame, my Dad or my Mom?

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If you look in the Dictionary under “wishy-washy”, you will find my Dad’s picture.  Likewise, if you look under “emotionally unavailable”, there’s Mom.  How these two managed to get together, I’ll never really know.  But, after getting married, their teeter-totter compatibility still managed to wreak havoc through the years.  They got divorced when I was 8, but reconciled and remarried not too long afterward….How sweet.

Then, when I was 17, they divorced again….No really, this time they MEAN IT!!

When I was 26, I discovered that my Dad (who had a different wife) was often calling my Mom (who had a different husband).  Why, you wonder? 

It seems, they were consoling each other on their joint marital woes…..

I’m sorry, What??

Apparently, I have adopted this odd habit.  I once had a girlfriend who was upset that I never said “I love you”.  It took me many months before I could even utter the words.  When we broke up five years later, I never wanted to see her again.  But, two years after that, we became friends and we remain good friends to this day.  She’s happily engaged to someone else, and yet strangely enough, when we talk and catch up, I say “I love you”….and I say it Now, much more easily. 

I know.  I don’t understand it, either.

____________________

The truth is, my father loved but couldn’t commit.  My mother couldn’t express love, but remained loyal.  My father communicated with words and my mother communicated with silence.  My father was passionate.  My mother was stoic.  I seem to be a hot, messy hodgepodge of the two of them.  I have difficulty committing, but my heart is true.  If I like you, I won’t say it, but somehow I can express it with a gesture.  I can’t TELL you I love you, but I love you deeply just the same.  Everything that exists in my heart is held back because my brain tells it to do so……

There’s my answer………

In the simplest of terms, my Dad controlled my heart and my Mom controlled my brain…and neither sides EVER communicated.

Great!  What am I suppose to do with that inherited gene?  How am I suppose to make that work?  So far, I have failed, failed, failed in all my attempts.

And, while my mom continues to have reconciliation dreams about my dad, I am left playing tug-of-war with myself.

___________________________________________________________

Holden:  I love you.
Alyssa:  You love me??
Holden:  I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. And it’s not because you’re unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly……………if bringing it to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn’t allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I’ll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too…………….And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

      (Alyssa exits the car)

Holden: Was it something I said?

CHASING AMY

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9/14/10

NO, I’m Serious!

My mother and I almost burned it to the ground today over a couple of Mexican Carne Asada plates. 

El Fuego Errupto!!!

She was warming up some leftovers on the burner.  Then, we got to talking about going out to dinner, instead.  Mexican food.  Great!  Did she remember the burner when she went in the kitchen to wash her hands?  No.  Did I remember the burner when I went in right after her to turn out the light?  No. 

These Mujeres are Despistadas!

So, there we were at the Mexican restaurant.  She was sipping her coffee and complaining about the weird taste.  I was just happy to be eating somewhere else for a change.  For the last four visits with my mother, we would go out to eat.  And, no matter how much we talked about what we were in the mood for, we always ended up at the same little diner-like Mom and Pop restaurant down the corner.  I hated the place because they slopped food on your plate like you were in a mess hall.  And, the server always looked at me like she knew me from when she was in prison…….but, I digress.

The Mexican food smelled amazing. 

I was so hungry that I was imagining bathing in pico de gallo and shoveling the carnitas in my mouth, when I heard it….

“Oh Lord Jesus!  Did you turn the stove off?”

“Did you leave it on?”

“Did I leave it on?”

“Mom…..did you leave…it…on?!”

“I’m asking you?”

At this point, I can only describe what happened as a scene that probably came straight out of an old Keystone Cops silent flick with the piano accompaniment. 

You know the one….

They’re all running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to get in the car, out the car, driving, not driving.  Meanwhile, the piano is frantically playing a tune of utter chaos. 

“What do we do?”

“We have to go back.”

“but, our food.”

“…..To Go’”

“Mom, you can’t take that coffee with you.  It’s their mug.”

“Ask for a cup.”

“Make it at home!”

“But they’re still cooking our order.  We can’t leave.”

“I’ll stay. You go.”

And off she went, while I paced the restaurant floor.  The glances from the Cooks in the back did not escape me.  I know what they were thinking…

Loca loca Mujer!

I grabbed the food and walked back home, but the story of the “loca loca mujer” did not end there.

Mom was the only one with house keys.  Her house is gated - AND - to enter the lower part of the house where she lives, you have to go around the back.  So yes, I was at the front gate for a good 20 minutes calling out.  My mother finally showed up.

“I was wondering what took you so long.”

“Did you forget I had no keys?”

“I’m the one who FORGOT the stove, remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

“….Oh Noooo!”

“What now?”

“I shut the front door.”

“So?…..Oh No!”

<Cue Frantic Piano Accompaniment>

Now, imagine…..the Keystone Cops have finally arrived at the house where a thief is hiding.  They can’t get in.  The thief has locked them out.  What do they do now?  They climb on top of each other until they can reach the only open window.

“No, Mom!  I am Not throwing you over my shoulder.”

“No, Mom!  I am Not going to climb on your back.”

I did the only thing I could do.  I piled the porch chairs on top of each other like leggo blocks, and slowly tried to balance my way to the bathroom window.  It was hard to concentrate with my mother below mumbling things about breaking my legs and cutting myself on glass.  Thanks Ma!

I got to the window fine, and thank God it was open a crack.  But, for someone who has Zero upper body strength, balancing myself with one arm while opening the window with my other, was a near impossible feat.  It was almost as impossible as ever getting the chance to eat that fabulous, Mexican feast from 10hrs ago.

But, I got us in.  And, we ate our “take out”.  And, all is well in the world again.

__________________________________________________

It’s near bed time.  I’m sipping tea and reading.  Mom is in the other room watching tv, and I hear her chuckling.

“Funny what happened today, huh?”

“Yeah, pretty funny.”  (No, not really)  “At least we didn’t burn the house down.”

“Oh, you know, after all that happened, the stove Wasn’t on”……………

(How do you say F#*@ in Spanish?)

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6/28/10

Yes, I know!  This is very bizarre for Elena to actually take a moment to discuss…..LOVE. 

If you believe in all that stuff about the alignment of the stars and the energies of the planets, then you may know that as an Aquarian, my open discussion about love is almost unheard of.  We don’t do that.  In fact, we rarely say the word, itself, in the form of expressing affection.  Oh, we may often feel it, but you’ll never know.  We are cleverly evasive like that.  < wink >

But, here I am, about to reveal a personal discovery.  I had a revelation in the form of a dream last night.  It all makes sense.  Now, as I look back at all my relationships, I know and understand my cosmic role when it comes to that ever elusive emotion we call Love.

I…

Am….

Cupid…..

(Well, without the loin cloth and wings and curly hair)

No, I’m serious here!

I have had five relationships in my life.  In all of them (but one), THEY were the ones to find their true loves.  And, it always happened after dating ME!  There is a pattern here, and I totally didn’t see it.

I am the appetizer to the meal.

I am the previews to the double feature.

I am the test drive to the new car.

Strangely enough, I am okay with this.  Perhaps, it is ingrained in my Aquarian make-up that I am unable to get as intimately close to someone.  But, I am apparently Great at getting THEM to tap into their hearts deep enough, that when they are ready to Love, I can send them on their way….and Ta Da!! - true love happens to be around the corner for them. 

____________

Fine.  This, then, is my service to the world. 

Just don’t call me on February 14th. 

I’m booked.

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6/18/10