Don't Drink The Milk...

 

…Letting the days go by…letting the water hold me down.

Part I

What happens when - in this life you have been living - you realize you’ve been going at it wrong, all along? 

You can’t go back and re-do.  You can’t go back and change your mind.  You are stuck in it, right Now, swimming in a wave of wrong decisions.  It’s not like you simply made a bad choice, such as picking margarine over butter.  It’s a lifestyle, the conviction behind the lifestyle, and the reason behind that.  Oh, that is not a “margarine vs butter” scenario.  No, that is more like…“A meteor fell to earth and created the Grand Canyon”.

The details don’t matter.  What matters is that within a series of seemingly unrelated events, I have come to discover that:

The life I always wanted is NOT the life I wanted at all. 

That’s quite big…and irreversible.    It’s as if I drove across the U.S. from the East Coast to the West Coast, and realized that when I got to California, I actually meant to be in Scotland.  Sure, one can say, “Well, then get on a plane and go to Scotland”.  But, I already spent all this time and energy to get to California, right?  So, I am compelled to find a way to stay and just make the best of things.

There, in lies the dilemma:  Not meaning to be in the place where I am, but choosing to stay because…Oh Well…there I am.

And, even if I did get on a plane and fly to Scotland, who is to say that when I get there, I won’t realize I wanted to be in Egypt?

This, is my perpetual state of uncertainty.

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(To be continued)…

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1/5/11