Don't Drink The Milk...

Part II

She was on the street corner, staring at the landscape of a place she used to know.  But, it all looked so different, now.  And the hustle of the people closed in on all sides.  Which part of this moment is different, she thought; me or them?  And she continued to stare at everything moving fast around her while she just stood still…in one place.

Never in her life, in a city she knew so well, did she ever feel this lost….

The light turned green, and everyone crossed the street, except her.  She no longer knew where she was going.

When things go wrong in your life, or when things don’t quite go the way you want, you have a tendency to gravitate to the place and the people you found comfort in before.

Here’s the lesson in that:  Never Go Back!

I learned that lesson a long time ago, right after college.  But, apparently, I forgot and made that mistake again.

The thing about going back is that you are subconsciously searching for:

relief,

validation,

a sense of belonging. 

And, you go back because you feel lost. 

 Unfortunately, by going back, it only makes you feel - more lost.

                        —                  —                    —

So, as I stood on the street corner, I became painfully conscious of the fact that Everyone important to me has passed me by to live their lives.

…..And I didn’t see them go.

There was a time we were all in the same predicament, living in our own bubbles of uncertainty and indecision.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone in this. 

 Now, it seems, I am the last one standing.…alone.

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She was staring at the DJ, and moving to the deafening beat beat beating.  She closed her eyes to enjoy the music.  And then, a voice whispered in her ear.  She could hear the question clearly, as if there was no music playing at all - ”Why are you here, and who are these people to you?”  That is when she grabbed her bag and didn’t say goodbye…..

In all my years, I never had the desire to get married or have kids.  I was too selfish about my life and career to want kids, and I was too set in my own routine to want to get married.  It was never a part of my grand master plan, and I was fine with that

for a very long time……

As it turns out, in my constant search for meaning in my life, I have since discovered that it’s not my career that would fulfill me, it’s not financial security, it’s not living in a city full of culture and activity, it’s not the freedom to travel. 

So, what is it, then?  Love?  Could it really be that simple? 

It became quite evident to me:

When there is love in your life, you’re never alone.  But when you GO it alone….then you REMAIN alone.

And so, as I see more and more of my friends getting engaged….being married….having kids, I am overcome with the sadness that, maybe I’ve missed out.  All the things that I believed to be burdens, my friends seem to be going through, quite happily.  All the things I thought I had no desire for, I suddenly wish was in my life. 

It took me longer than everyone else to get here….way longer.  But, now that I’m here, I feel like I’m in a foreign land.

I don’t know this place.  I missed my exit.  I took the wrong road map. I am in a completely different country and I don’t know the language. 

Paralysis….….

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1/11/11